The Poetry of Golf – with thanks to Our Literary Correspondent, Mr S Bambury


In My Hand I Hold A Ball,
White And Dimpled, And Rather Small.
Oh, How Bland It Does Appear,
This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.

By Its Size I Could Not Guess
The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.
But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,
I’ve Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.

My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same
Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.
It Rules My Mind For Hours On End;
A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.

It Has Made Me Curse And Made Me Cry,
And Hate Myself And Want To Die.
It Promises Me A Thing Called Par,
If I Hit It Straight And Far.

To Master Such A Tiny Ball,
Should Not Be Very Hard At All.
But My Desires The Ball Refuses,
And Does Exactly As It Chooses.

It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,
And Disappears Before My Eyes.
Often It Will Have A Whim,
To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.

With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land,
It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.
Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul,
If Only It Would Find The Hole.

It’s Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,
And Swear That I Will Give It Up.
And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,
But The Ball Knows I’ll Be Back Tomorrow.

A recent study found that the average golfer
Walks about 900 miles a year.


Another study found that golfers drink, on
average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

This means golfers get about
41 miles to the gallon .

Kind of makes you proud. Almost makes you
feel like a hybrid.


A Thought for the Coming Christmas – compliments of the Seniors Sage, Mr. Roger Bates

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, “Let’s do it! We’ll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning.”

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.

The first guy says, “Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can’t take her eyes off it.

The second guy says, “My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.”

Number 3 guy says, “Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual.”

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they all had lost their minds.

“I can’t believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I woke up, slapped my wife on the butt and said, ‘Well babe, Merry Christmas! It’s a great morning for either sex or golf” and she said, “It’s cold out, take a sweater”


It should be clear that these proposals are not aimed to get at anybody but to increase the potential enjoyment of all players. Much of this is common sense and already part of most player’s way of playing.

A typical 3ball could be round in 3hours 36 minutes if they spent 9 minutes on par 3s,12 minutes on par4s and 15 minutes on par5s.


  1. We propose to play READY GOLF, you play when it is safe to do so, regardless of the traditional order of play. The aim is to keep close to the match in front rather than gauging your progress on the group behind. It is the responsibility of all players to be mindful of the pace of their group.
  2. Work out your next shot as you approach your ball and take your practice swings while you are waiting not over the ball.
  3. ALWAYS PARK BUGGIES/TROLLEYS ON THE EXIT SIDE OF THE GREEN. If you need a chip or a pitch take your putter with you.
  4. On the green don’t wait for the bunker to be raked but play on. If near the hole (3 feet) put out rather than marking and waiting. The first to put out takes charge of the flag.
  5. Move off the green straight away, marking cards at the next tee.
  6. Play a provisional ball if there is ANY doubt, we all know where the trouble areas are. Others should play before joining the search. The proposal is to have only three minutes to search/play the next shot.
  7. If you can’t score then pick up, unless it is a qualifying round.

Recommendations for the Course

This will need negotiations with the ground staff!

1.The first cut of the rough should be short enough always to allow for the ball to be seen/found.

  1. Greens should be smooth and true rather than fast and firm.
  2. The ground around trees and shrubs should be maintained at a decent level. Being near or in trees is penalty enough without losing the ball.




1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?   116 years


2) Which country makes Panama hats?    Ecuador


3) From which animal do we get cat gut?     Sheep and Horses


4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November


5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of?     Squirrel fur


6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?  Dogs


7) What was King George VI’s first name?    Albert


8 ) What color is a purple finch? Crimson


9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?   New Zealand


10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?   Orange (of course) .


What do you mean, you failed?   Me, too!

(And if you try to tell me you passed, you is fibbin).  See me in my Study

Ode to a Satnav

I have a little Satnav it sits there in my car.
A Satnav is a driver’s friend it tells you where you are.
I have a little Satnav I’ve had it all my life.
It’s better than the normal ones my Satnav is my wife.

It gives me full instructions especially how to drive, It’s sixty
miles an hour it says You’re doing sixty five. It tells me when
to stop and start and when to use the brake and tells me that it’s never
ever safe to overtake.

It tells me when a light is red and when it goes to green it seems to know
instinctively just when to intervene. It lists the  vehicles just in front and all those to the rear
And taking this into account it specifies my gear.

I’m sure no other driver has so helpful a device
for when we leave and lock the car it still gives its advice.
It fills me up with counselling each journey’s pretty fraught
so why don’t I exchange it and get a quieter sort.

Ah well you see it cleans the house, makes sure I’m properly fed
It washes my shirts and things and keeps me warm in bed.
Despite all these advantages and my tendency to scoff
I only wish that now and then I could TURN THE BUGGER OFF!!

( Anon with thanks to R Bates for academic research)

August Quiz – Answer

Rules Quiz
Dave hits his ball from the tee just off the
fairway on the 2nd
. However, when they
get to where the thought it had rested no
one could find it in the short rough. Dave
wastes no time and while his playing
partners continue to search, he runs back
to the tee and hits another ball which he
declared as ‘provisional’. On the way back
up the fairway, one of his colleagues
shouts that he has found the original ball
within the five minutes allowed. Which
ball should Dave play?
a) He should play the original ball
because it was found within the
five minutes.
b) He can choose which ball to play,
(declaring his first ball lost)
remembering that his ‘provisional
ball’ will be his 4th shot
c) He must play the second ball.

Rules Quiz Answer The answer is c The second ball struck from the tee immediately becomes the ‘ball in play’. It can only be ‘provisional’ if struck while the player is still on the tee before going forward to look for his original ball.

Need Help To Remember Your Age?

Just in case you have forgotten how old you are –
this could help you to find out!
1. First pick the number of times in a week, that you would like to
play golf, – more than once, but less than ten [ 2-9 ]
2. Now multiply this number by 2
3. Add 5
4. Multiply it by 50
5. If you have already had your birthday this year – add 1762, if you
haven’t add 1761
6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born [eg 1934]
You should have a three digit number –
The first digit was your original number,
The next two numbers are your age.
Oh YES it is !!!!!

(Stolen from the Donnington Valley Seniors Website)

Quotable Quotes

When I die, bury me on the golf course so my husband will visit.
Author Unknown

I don’t say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they’d come up sliced.
Author Unknown

I’ve spent most of my life golfing. The rest I’ve just wasted.
Author Unknown

They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken.
Raymond Floyd

The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top.
Pete Dye (His golf courses reflect this belief!!!)

Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun.
Jim Bishop

It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.
Hank Aaron

Golf is a game in which you yell “fore,” shoot six, and write down five.
Paul Harvey

Give me golf clubs, fresh air & a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
Jack Benny

Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards?
Al Boliska

The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.
Billy Graham

Reverse every natural instinct and do the opposite of what you are inclined to do, and you will probably come very close to having a perfect golf swing.
Ben Hogan

Go play golf. Go to the golf course. Hit the ball. Find the ball. Repeat until the ball is in the hole. Have fun. The end.
Chuck Hogan

If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
Jack Lemmon

It’s good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
Mark Twain

Don’t play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.
Harry Vardon

Golf is a game in which one endeavours to control a ball with implements ill adapted for the purpose.
Woodrow Wilson

A golfer’s diet: live on greens as much as possible.
Author Unknown

Gone golfin’ … Be back about dark thirty.
Author Unknown

Born to golf. Forced to work.
Author Unknown

My body is here, but my mind has already teed off.
Author Unknown

Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them.
Jimmy DeMaret

May thy ball lie in green pastures …. And not in still waters.
Author Unknown

If I hit it right, it’s a slice. If I hit it left, it’s a hook. If I hit it straight, it’s a miracle.
Author Unknown

The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can’t improve your lie.
George Deukmejian

(Stolen from the Donnington Valley Seniors Website)