Two More Poems about Carswell from Mark The Muse

IF (ONLY…)

If you could hit straight drives when those about you

Are hooking left or slicing to the right;

If you could mark their line though both men doubt you,

So find their balls – then hit yours out of sight;

If you could wait while fours in front are crawling,

And still stay calm and hit right through your stroke;

If you could stand aloof from all name-calling,

And calm your partner’s rages with a joke.

.

If you could meet with bunkers and with water,

And treat those two dread hazards with a grin;

If you could putt in just the way you ought to,

And chip – and always chip straight to the pin;

If you could bear to see the green you’ve driven

Pocked like a teen-aged anorak with spots,

And bend to mend the pitchmarks – may they be forgiven –

Left there by all the other thoughtless clots.

.

If you could watch the shot you thought a cracker

Blown by the wind a finger-breadth off course –

And find you’d shared the fate of every hacker,

But never find the ball – it’s in the gorse;

If you could stay unfazed by this disaster,

And hit your new ball slap up to the flag –

Then sink the putt to show the course who’s master,

And stay blob-free with two points in the bag.

.

If you’d got forty points down on your score card

And put it in quite sure that you had won –

And then found out some undeserving bastard

Had handed in a card with forty-one;

If you could sit and smile to see him win it,

And clap as if you’re really having fun,

You’d win the Cup of Life with champagne in it,

And – which is more – you’d be a Saint, my son!

MAWB November 2005

SAND FEVER

 (an elegy for the Kermit bunkers on the fourth hole at Carswell)

I must down to the sand again, behind the bunker’s wall,

And all I ask is a clean shot an inch behind the ball.

And all I ask is a view of the green as I settle to the task,

And shuffle my feet and waggle my club – is that too much to ask?

oOo

I must play out of the sand again, for the first was a miserable mess;

I’ve scuffed it up behind the wall and now I can see even less.

So all I can do is play out to the left and hope to avoid the rough;

Then hit over the pond and stay in bounds? Even Tiger would find that tough.

oOo

I’ve got it out of the sand at last – a horrible hoick with my wedge.

It shot past the lads teeing off on the fifth and nearly knee-capped Reg.

I’m four shots adrift and the other chap is on the green in three:

It’s not a question of mastering golf – those bunkers have mastered me.

(with acknowledgement to John Masefield)

MAWB April 2007

The Death of Carswell Golf Club (after Heraclitus)

They told me, Carswell Golf Club, they told me you’d gone bust –

My twenty five years membership’s been blown away like dust.

I grieve as I remember how twice a week or more

I played with high ambition – but an even higher score.

I’m having nightmares nightly about rewilding the course – 

I see badgers chipping hedgehogs to greens submerged in gorse –

But long may Carswell Seniors, the Castaways, convene

For golf, and at the nineteenth hole, for toasts to what has been.

Mark Baker (with apologies to Callimachus and William Johnson Cory)

Don’t Drink and Ride

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK – I went to Sainsburys on Friday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break.  So I drank all the Scotch before I cycled home.  It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.  – Salutary tale from our Education Correspondent Prof Bill Baker.

OCCASIONAL GOLFING QUIZ – January

In stroke play, a competitor waiting to play to the putting green dropped a ball on the fairway and struck it twice with his putter. What is the ruling?

A- The competitor incurs a penalty of two strokes.

B – The competitor incurs a penalty of four strokes.

C – There is no penalty.

Correct Answer A.

Explanation: A Player must not make a practice stroke during the play of a hole (Rule 7-2)

Occasional Quiz – November

In stroke play, a player obtained a ruling from a member of the Committee and

proceeded to play on the basis of that ruling, which involved dropping the ball at

and playing from a wrong place, albeit only one foot away from where the player

should have played from. The Committee member then learns that he made an

incorrect ruling. What is the ruling?

A- The player should play a second ball under Rule 3-3.

B – The player must disregard the stroke or strokes played subsequent to the

incorrect ruling and proceed correctly.

C – The strokes played subsequent to the incorrect ruling must stand. The player

incurs no penalty for having played from a wrong place.

Correct answer: C

Explanation: As there is no serious breach involved and the player has not been

seriously disadvantaged due to playing from a wrong place, the strokes made

after the incorrect ruling must stand with no penalty. See Decision 34-3/3.3.

Bloger Bates Proposed New Golf Rules for Senior Golfers

New Rules for Senior golfers:

 

Rule 1.a.5 – A ball sliced or hooked into the Rough shall be lifted and placed on the Fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the Rough with no penalty.  The senior player should not be penalised for tall grass which ground keepers failed to mow.

Rule 2.d.6 (B) – A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed NOT to have hit the tree.  This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game.  The senior player must estimate the distance the ball would have travelled if it had not hit the tree, and play the ball from there.

Rule 3.B.3(G) – There shall be no such thing as a lost ball.  The missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else, thereby making it a stolen ball.  The senior player is not to compound the felony by charging himself with a penalty.

Rule 4.c.7(h) – If a putt passes over a hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped.  The Law of Gravity supersedes the Rules of Golf.

Rule 5. – Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they could be blown in, may be blown in.  This does not apply to balls more than three inches from the Hole.  No one wants to make a mockery of the game.

Rule 6.a.9(k) – There is no penalty for so-called out of bounds.  If penny-pinching golf course owners bought sufficient land, this would not occur.  The senior player deserves an apology, not a penalty.

Rule 7.G.15(z) – There is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard, as golf balls should float.  Senior players should not be penalised for any shortcomings of the manufacturers.

Rule 8.k.9(S) – Advertisements claim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new golf equipment.  Since this is financially impractical for many senior players, one-half stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old equipment.

Rule 9.k.34(a): If a tree is between the ball and the hole, and the tree is deemed to be younger than the player, then the ball can be moved without penalty.  This is so because this is simply a question of timing; when the player was younger, the tree was not there so the player is being penalised because of his age.

October Quiz – with the Answer

A competitor, unable to find his ball after a shot of approximately 150 yards (300 yards in the case of Brian Reid) from the tee, drops another ball in the area where his original ball was lost and plays that ball. What is the ruling?

A- The player incurs a penalty of one stroke.

B – The player loses the hole.

C – The player incurs a stroke-and-distance penalty and an additional penalty of two strokes for a breach of Rule 27-1. He must rectify the error; otherwise, he is disqualified.

Correct answer: C

Explanation: It is not permissible to drop another ball where you think your

original may be lost, you must proceed under stroke and distance, i.e. play a ball

as nearly as possible at the spot where the original ball was last played, under

penalty of one stroke. As the player has dropped a ball and played from a point

that is approximately 150 yards closer to the hole than where he should have

done so, he has played from a wrong place. As his actions constitute a serious

breach of playing from the wrong place, he must rectify that error. See also

Decision 27-1/3.

When I’m Old and Smelly – a glimpse into the future researched by the Seniors’ Family Liaison Officer Gordon Blake

When I’m old and smelly, I shall not be alone,

In a pensioner’s flat or an old people’s home

Or take an apartment on some distant shore,

I’ll move in with my son and my daughter-in-law.

 

I’ll return all the joy that my son gave to me

When he sat as a child on his dear father’s knee.

He will welcome me willingly into his home

When I’m old and smelly and all on my own.

 

I’ll spill coffee on the carpet, leave marks on the wall

I’ll stagger home drunk and be sick in the hall.

I’ll sing really loudly and slam every door,

When I live with my son and my daughter-in-law.

 

I’ll rise from my bed in the late afternoon.

Throw the sheets on the floor and mess up my room.

I’ll play ear-splitting music well into the night,

Go down for a snack and leave on the light.

 

I’ll rest my old feet on the new leather chairs,

I’ll drape dirty underwear all down the stairs.

I’ll talk to my friends for hours on the phone

When I live with my son in his lovely new home.

 

I’ll come in from the garden with mud on my shoes,

Flop on the settee for my afternoon snooze

Expect that my tea will be ready by four

When I live with my son and my daughter-in-law.

 

I’ll leave all the dishes piled up in the sink

And invite all my noisy friends round for a drink.

I’ll grumble and mumble, I’ll complain and moan

When I’m old and smelly and all on my own.

 

I’ll watch television hour after hour,

I’ll not flush the toilet or wash out the shower.

Oh bliss, what a future for me is in store

When I move in with my son and my daughter-in-law.